Half-eaten Time

And it is late. Whatever that should have been done, never was. Whatever that life gave, time stole. 'Til there is nothing but an endless whirlpool that brings me back to where I first began, only difference is every time I start again from that alpha point, the more lost I get.

But today is different. A little brighter than usual. No. So much brighter than usual. I hear the birds. Even the breeze is caressing my cheek as though reassuring me, nudging me on. I must be heading on the right track. It's a long journey ahead. A journey that could've started a decade sooner, but did not.

Today, I remember a dream.

Today, I believe it.

Today, I start to live it.

On the last page of my high school exercise book

(circa 1998?)

There was once a time in my life
A love so strong I could not hide
That til now my heart still strives
And my wandering soul abides.

The beauty of love cannot be denied
It's splendor blossoms til the end of time
What once was glorious before it died
Now holds no reason and no rhyme.

I'm bound by the chains of love
Turning rusty yet strong in hold
I yearn for the freedom I deserve
Of the wonders of life that I've been told.

In this dark chamber of the night
That now has become a part of life
Without even a flicker of light
Yet I still hold on to survive.

Would You Care?

(circa 1998?)

Would you care
if I should die tomorrow,
gone from this lonely, lonely world,
far from those I know?

Will you still remember me
when you have reached the stars,
when everything just seems right
the way you want it to be?

Do you sometimes think of me
like I always do
when the world is cold and void
and there is no where left to go?

Shall I wait for you
in hope of love once more,
that one day you may find,
you still love me as before?

I Journey Alone

(circa 1997?)

I journey alone
down the path
of my life.

I've lived my life
seen the pleasure
seen the pain.

Yet an old wound
never did heal
deep in the heart.

It has been long
thought it will be gone
time did not heal.

A seething rage
buried so long
is tearing me apart.

The strength I have
is wasting away,
I feel it weakening.

A flicker of hope
blown out by the wind
lost in the dark.

A memory
bitter yet sweet
is all I ever owned.

A pleading cry
faint and dying
remain unheard.

And I wonder... who cares?

No one cares.

No one ever does.

O Tannenbaum

So, today, down came the Christmas tree after close to a month standing tall and joyfully in all its shiny, sparkling grandeur. Pulling out its box from the store room reminded me of the promoter who served me when I bought the tree. A miserable looking part-timer with a non-existing smile who had most likely just completed high school. It was school break after all.

He didn't talk much. If he did, it was an inaudible mumble. As would most customers, I felt perturbed. Especially since I had been so excited to make the purchase. I expected a service with a smile. Good service, no less. Obviously, I did not get any of that that day.

But when I was taking down the tree, branch by branch, gently and patiently removing all the leftover cotton snow, I reflected on what had transpired that day in the mall and realized that, maybe in this time and age, all of us tend to take too much care in nitpicking when we do not receive what we think we deserve. Instead of feeling perturbed, what would I have lost if I had smiled graciously when he opened the box for me to inspect, being my chatty self with him just like how I always will be when I'm excited? The answer is nothing.

Why then, should I choose to feel so negatively rather than to turn the vibe around and exude some positive energy?

New year brings new change.

Love more, give more :)

All Things Strange and New

2013 started off on such a sweet and lovely note. The weather has been somewhat cloudy and cool - a little rainy at times - for the past few days. Definitely my kind of weather. So melancholic, which makes me feel comforted and contented. Every waft of cool wind reminds me of how precious some moments can be, how fragile life is and how time appears tangible when you set your mind and spirit free.

Now, I'm all excited to make memories in the coming year.

Embrace life.

Live the dream.

Shed the fear.

Interesting fact: I can now put myself through an undergraduate/postgraduate study in a foreign university.

Joy to the World

Of all the years of which I can remember clearly (almost all my memories are hazy somehow when I am not in one of my morbid moods), 2012 was a year like no other. It was unlike all my rollercoaster years that just slipped from my grasp every time I tried to hold on to the reins and everything would just spin out of my control. No, 2012 was subtly magical. I got more than I bargained for. It wasn't that I had no expectation to start with. It was more of: what I wanted, I went and did it.

So after over 20 years with the same miniature broken Christmas tree, I bought a 6' Royal Douglas fir. I have always wanted a Christmas tree taller than me for as long as I can remember. With cash recognition I received from work, I redeemed vouchers which paid for my tree decor. How cool is that? I only had to fork out MYR$12 to complete my tree.

For me, the new year has already started since the 1st of December. I always start my year in December because the month is filled with lots of joy and merrymaking. How else could be better than starting the year on a high note?

Do you notice the lack of morbid posts? I do.