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Ending May

What is it that I love so much about Christmas or December? I think it is the sense of the end: a closing to a year and the promise of January, of an entirely new year, new life. But the problem, you see, is that nothing ever changes and the years, they all seem the same after awhile.

This coming June feels a little bit magical. Probably because the last week of May leading to June is packed with exciting going-on’s. Firstly, my home renovation will be commencing finally! And I’m getting a new phone as my current data contract ends and porting my line over to another provider. I’ll also be getting a hair cut. Bought this cut+wash+blow voucher on Groupon for MYR$10 only! Been 2 years since I last stepped into a hair salon.

And to kick off the week, I will be embarking on my first treasure hunt on Monday as part of a team building activity.

Really looking forward to ending the month of May.

Normalcy Takes a Backseat

As another fiscal year draws to a close, I find myself unwittingly thrown right into a battlefield that I have wanted so much to keep a distance from. That I somewhat feel the pumping of adrenaline in my veins as the realness of it hits home is most unsettling. And this part of me that I have no intention of ever becoming acquainted to is rearing it’s way into my thoughts, my actions and my reactions almost as soon as the initial shock disperses. Too soon.

Yes, I have a profound fear. The fear of what I’m capable of. And right now, I am afraid. But sometimes, I guess, we just can not avoid becoming who we really are.

I have no intention of completing the #100happydays challenge that I took on earlier, right after I recovered from dengue fever. It is not because I can’t find a reason to be happy every single day, no. On the contrary. The feeling is getting more complex than just being happy now. Simple pleasures do not just evoke simple contentment. I look at a snapshot of a plate of delicious chicken rice that may have qualified itself on my #100happydays instagram but it has lost its magic. This has become a chore rather an honest post from the heart.

It was fun while it lasted, though.

Here’s a collage of 37 of my #100happydays.

The Dengue Chronicle

It was on the 6th day from the 1st day of fever, chills and body ache that I developed rashes on my hands and legs. The spots were tiny blood red dots that peppered all over both my legs, more so from the knee down. The rashes on my hands were a little different as they were patchy and of a lighter color. As I sat there in the doctor’s office, getting to know that my blood test results came back positive for dengue, I totally had no idea what to expect next. I’ve never been admitted to the hospital before. It felt weird to be told that I had to stay put in the hospital for 2 or 3 days to ensure proper care for my condition.

I had saline drip for rehydration which turned out to be the worse thing that could be attached to the body. It’s so frustrating to not be able to simply place my hand in a position that I felt most comfortable or to freely move my hand around. Even other movements were hampered as I had to push the drip along with me wherever I went.

Albeit feeling super exhausted, sleep didn’t come easily. I would knock out for about two hours and then be awake for the next two. The restlessness in the waking was terrible. I had to move around constantly or else I would feel like I’m losing my mind. If I were under observation, I would’ve been thought to have gone crazy. I was alternating between spurts of sit-up’s and untangling my hair and head rolls. Thank God on the third day, my platelet count was back to normal and I almost screamed with joy when told that I could go home! Home had never been as sweet!

The Night That Went Wrong

Last night’s bar-hopping didn’t go as expected. I was thinking more on the lines of soaking in the scene over a pint and then moving on to another. It was good until we hooked up with a couple of strangers and some friends, then all hell broke loose. It has its fair share of fun, but the aftermath, horrible!

I reached home some time after three in the morning, only remembering vaguely the journey home. The only thing I managed to do before I fumbled to bed was removing my contact lenses and brushing my teeth. I slept in that smoky cloud and beer haze that seemed to have blanketed my hair and body; and woke up at 9am with that stale stench now also on my pillow and bed covers. Apart from having to wash the freshly changed sheet (only a day old), I had to double wash my hair for it to feel and smell clean again. And, boy, I was aching all over! My head was throbbing, left inner ear hurting, throat parched, limbs weary and weak.

Mind and body functions seemed to be lagging. I can’t sleep, yet I can’t get myself to be fully awake: worst kind of feeling to wake up to. Then, the tummy started churning and next thing I knew, I was barfing clear fluid and foam (wtf!). After the ordeal, I just had to climb back into bed and tried to sleep it off.

The days of wild partying and late nights are really over for me (or maybe I just need more self-control). I don’t wanna go through that again. Ever. I prefer a slow drink or two over conversation with good friends, or a cuppa in some cozy little coffee place. These are definitely more enjoyable and always leave me feeling good. More importantly, I will still be able to wake up early, feeling fresh and ready to take on the day.

So, for 2014, goodbye unhealthy lifestyle!

2014 and Beyond

I am writing on my bed tonight. Something I’ve never done before. I remember reading somewhere that if ever we come to a point where we don’t know what to write, change environment. Write from someplace we’ve never written from before. In addition to that, I have turned my phone to silent to keep away the distractions.

So how do I begin this new year post?

I ended my 2013 with a short 10-day break from work, wanting some time to myself to reflect and to layout my plans for 2014. I’ve never made plans, and that was what that had held me back at the same old spot year after year after year. I’ve had enough of going nowhere, going in circles, and merely dreaming. But, you know what? In the end, the 10-day break wasn’t enough for me. I am still at the drawing board, as I write this, trying to sort out my life one step at a time. It isn’t easy when I’ve been running loose and running lost for all my life.

The basic thing of all mother of plans that I realized I need is to form habits. Little things that I wanna stop doing or start doing. All these have to somehow be assimilated into my current lifestyle. I read (been reading a lot) that it takes 30 days to form a habit (which I will find out in time if it’s true).

As the first month of the new year progresses, I am also being reminded of a lot of feelings that I have neglected. No external factors that triggered the recollection. Just my mind doing all the tricks. It’s good to know that my mind is still capable of recollecting.

I remember waking up to cloudless blue skies above and to a turquoise sea that stretched far beyond my vision allowed and to the sense of freedom I felt in the openness of my mind. I want to feel that way again.

Going Country

Brad Paisley, Blake Shelton, driving with the windows down, a winter in the desert. There’s something about all these coming together that just makes me want to live. Forever. At times like this, I think I really know how to live. As December 2013 winds down to it’s final last weeks, it’s time once again for reflections and resolutions.

I wouldn’t say I had it good this year, but I realized life has now seemingly fallen into the normal category as compared to my usual somewhat chaotic roller-coaster affair. However, the restless bug is nibbling at me and I can’t brush it off. I don’t want to. I want my restlessness to propel me into realms I never can imagine and I know all I need to do is to lose that reservation and cross that line.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. – Neale Donald Walsch

The country folks are good at these things, I suppose. You see, country music is always telling you stuff like "live like you were dying" and such. And I buy it. Seriously, I do. I’ve been country high since that December driving through desert highways with Brad constantly reminding me of "all those mornings I was late for work" and Carrie pleading for Jesus to take the wheel.

Tomorrow marks the end of the work year for me. I will be away from office until after New Year’s Day. This holiday season will be a time for reflection for me and to come to terms and embrace who I am, what I am and what I have. I am ending this year on a soulful note: best feeling of the year.

Down memory lane: Same time last year...